Looking back...

For a lot of people, this blog post wouldn't make much sense if I didn't give some context first, so here's some background info:

Last summer (2016), I spent 3 months in a wheelchair due to my FND and during this time, spent 3 weeks in Bristol Children's Hospital receiving physiotherapy. I was so grateful for all of the help the hospital had given me to get me back up on my feet that I decided that I wanted to do a sponsored walk on Dartmoor to raise money for Wallace and Gromit's Grand Appeal (the BCH charity). So, exactly a year ago, me and 4 friends embarked on my biggest ever challenge. Unfortunately, the walk didn't quite go to plan and I ended up fainting on both the Saturday and the Sunday. On the Sunday, I was so unwell and exhausted that I couldn't walk at all when I regained consciousness, so was taken in a Dartmoor rescue vehicle down the minibus - don't worry, I was ok!

In this blog post, I'm going to talk about my thoughts and feelings about the walk, a year on and also some of the things I learnt from doing the walk.

I can't believe it's been a whole year since the sponsored walk!! In some ways it feels like only yesterday that we were in the middle of Dartmoor, but at the same time, it feels like a lifetime ago...so much has changed, yet so much is still the same. I still have FND, but it's different some how... When I think back to walk, I'm filled with so many different emotions, especially knowing that it's been a whole year. I had planned to walk 18 miles over the 2 days, which now that I think about it was slightly insane and never a possible target, but I only manged 7, 5.5 miles on day 1 and 1.5 on day 2. I know that 7 miles over 2 days when suffering from FND and only just learning to walk again is still a huge achievement, but it's still always just annoyed me a little bit. Probably because I just feel annoyed at myself for thinking that the walk was a good idea...because it wasn't...or maybe it was?

I've always been one for trying the find the positives, the silver lining in every situation and for the sponsored walk, that positive is the lesson I learnt and the fun I had at some points. That weekend was the first time since I started having FND symptoms that I realized the importance of pacing and not pushing yourself too hard. This sounds really simple and like a bit of a no-brainer, but it's actually surprisingly tricky to learn how to know your limits and not push them. I often wonder now if I would still have not learnt that lesson if it hadn't have been for the sponsored walk. So in that way, I look at the sponsored walk and what happened on that weekend as an indirect positive experience, a blessing in disguise. Yes, I may not have felt that way at the time and yes, I may not have been able to stomach a Mars Bar for about 6 months after the walk (you had to be there haha), but when I look at how far I've come since then and how much I've learned - I feel happy!

Despite my feelings of positivity towards the walk, there are of course some negative feelings that I have and as I said in my last post, it's ok not to be ok. This wouldn't be an honest post about the sponsored walk, one year on, if I didn't talk about the negatives.

As much as I feel that it was a blessing in disguise, I only about 65% of me believes that...the other 35% still thinks that it's just really rubbish and frustrating. Purely because I had worked so hard to fully prepare myself for the walk, both physically and mentally and I had so many positive feelings and high expectations going into it. But I understand that things don't always go to plan and that it was only one weekend in a whole lifetime.

As I've already said, I learnt a very important lesson of listening to my body and knowing my limits on that walk, however I always wish that I'd already learnt that before the walk, so that I could've prevented the bad stuff from happening, or learnt the lesson a bit faster and just listened to my body, stopped when I started feeling ill or maybe I don't....I often wonder whether, if I could go back to the weekend of the walk and listen to my body, stop so I wouldn't faint, would I? If I was actually given that opportunity, I'd probably say yes for the obvious reasons: fainting is horrible, I didn't like feeling ill and, most importantly, I hated seeing my friends and parents worried about me...still do now...it just makes me feel sick. But if I really thought before giving my answer, about the positives and the lessons, I'd probably say no to repeating it, because I was going to have to learn that lesson at some point by testing my limits...everyone with FND does, so it may as well have been then!!

My biggest disappointment from that weekend, that still upsets me a year on, however, is that through all the pain and frustration of that walk, I kept thinking that I could just try again next year, try again really soon when I'm better. I was super confident that a year after the sponsored walk, I wouldn't have FND anymore or it would at least be a lot better than it was!! But I'm sitting here, one year one, still with FND, worse symptoms than a year ago and still unable to walk properly. It's at times like this that FND sucks more than normal and my symptoms frustrate me more than normal...which just makes them worse!

But, I'm strong and, looking back to a year ago, I can see how far I've come mentally! I still wake up everyday, put a smile on and head out - I get through it just like all of my fellow FND fighters!! I still look forward to the day when I can walk across Dartmoor happily and confident that my FND is better, or more under control, because I know that day will come...one day...I just have to be patient!

Ending on a positive note, I want to say a huge thank you to all my friends and family who sponsored me (we raised £2000!), to everyone who supported me and continue to supports me and to my 4 friends who walked with me last year across Dartmoor and took care of me when I fainted...I am eternally grateful to everyone of you!!!