Old battles and new battles

First of all I would like to apologise for not writing in so long. I have been in a rather dark place recently and with university assessments, my brain has been on overdrive.

So first of all, university. I need to rant here so apologies in advance although I’m sure what I’m about to talk about a lot of other students will firmly agree with me or well I hope so!

1. Far too much to read in such a small space of time.

This has been my nightmare for nearly 3 years now. University there is a lot of reading to do but at the same time the time frames are so small! For example: My final level 2 class, we have to read a full book. Yes you read correctly a FULL BOOK which has over 200 pages, online activities, contribution activities and also online reading, as well as writing an assessment in the space of a month! I focused mostly on my level 3 class since it’s a lot harder and I have to have my assessments perfect since it contributes to my final degree level and due to this, I never realised my assessment date for my level 2 class was moved forward by a week. So instead of the 9th of November, I now have to read everything and write the assessment within 5 days. To say that I am freaking out is an understatement.

2. Lack of support from tutors.

This also happens to me every year. The tutors do not take into consideration, health or family life. Last year as some of you may know, I started having problems with my stomach. Now when you are sick all the time and have nothing for your body to run on, your body and mind weakens. I explained this to my tutors and in my feedback I noticed that they did not take my current health situation into consideration. At the start of the year, my mother was diagnosed with Cervical cancer which is now thankfully gone, but at the time, I was battling my own health issues, as well as worrying about my mother, looking after her and trying to keep up with university work. I had asked for an extension on one assessment because my mum had just had surgery so I had to take care of her a lot more than normal and I was refused because apparently it wasn’t a valid reason for an extension to be put into place. Now, my mother could barely sit down on her own, I had told them that I was her main carer and that I had no support, plus taking into account my own physical and mental health issues. I physically couldn’t do it at that period of time as I was either running around after my mum, being sick or sleeping.

This year, one of my classes requires you to do evidence-based initiative. I had asked my tutor for advice on what I could do it on and was given basically no help at all and I was told that I didn’t understand the theory when I do. It’s so easy to understand, I just wasn’t sure what I could base it on. Thus adding to my stress to the 1st point on I only have 5 DAYS TO DO IT!!

3. Other students.

Don’t get me wrong there are some genuinely nice students in my classes but there are also other students who I feel love to belittle others and who think they are better than others. They belittle those who don’t work without knowing the reason why and they mock others if they do not understand apart of the course work. This is why I barely took part in the activities where we had to work together because I’m too sensitive and if someone had done that to me, it would make me want to give up.

Now let’s jump to life.

1. Friends

I love my friends more than anything, they are like family to me but what happens when you see your friends going down the same spiral of depression as you did? That is right. You panic like crazy. One of my friends are having a really difficult time and although I am as well which is in my next point, I push my problems aside to try and figure out how can I help. But because I know what it is like and what could be going through their head, I hesitate in front of them. I have no idea what to do or say and I hate it. I just want to hug them whenever I see them and tell them it can get better, they just have to fight but instead I stare at them with a worried look.

My other friends, they are amazing. In the past few months, I’ve been on my first holiday thanks to my best friend and been to a lot of parties where I haven’t backed out of. My friends now realise how much I am trying but one thing they fail to see. UNIVERSITY WORK AND DEADLINES. Yes I get asked all the time to do things and I’m torn between needing a break and needing to get it done. Last night, I took the break and tonight I had to refuse because I need to do my assessment. Which I should be doing right now but SHHH! No one needs to know that!!

2. Family

I can go on and on for this part but I will refrain myself. WILL POWER!! Anyway~~, my family are extremely non-supportive. My sister who I love to bits, seems to have forgotten that me and my mum are also her family and I have to deal with everything that happens. Which after being the one to pick everyone up and dust them off, look after everyone and pick up the pieces when things fall apart for 16 years, it is really annoying for me to keep doing it. I get frustrated a lot more, I get tired a lot more and I’ve started having nightmares which has left me now terrified to go to sleep. It seems that everyone in my family, sees the role of carer and clean up as my role when it isn’t. It is all of our roles but I am the only one who does and it’s taking it’s toll on me a lot more than I thought. Which goes into the next and final point. It seems that my family don’t realise I am only 22 and should be out having fun with my friends, making mistakes and making memories and also dying in a swamp of course work. (Yes I will be adding rants of university to all of them!)

When will the youngest be able to actually act like the youngest and not the oldest?!

3. Health

This may be a very long one because well, I very rarely talk about all of my health problems so I have a lot to say but I will try to keep it short I promise!

Ok, so on top of FND, I have stomach problems that have been on and off since I was 13, sometimes I can’t eat without being sick for an entire year (the year is up this time and I can finally eat again!!!) or I go off certain foods and if I eat them I’ll be sick (goodbye mince and potatoes, I enjoyed you so much in the last 21 years! Yes, I can no longer eat mince and potatoes without being sick each time now :( ) or I just don’t feel hungry which this usually lasts about a month each time. Adding on we have my depression that I’ve had for 14 years, my anxiety and a new thing that I don’t know the name of yet but I should soon. I found out last month that I actually have a mental health problem which could be the reason as to why I have so many problems with my stomach and FND. Basically the mental health issue I have is due to the level of neglect physically, emotionally and mentally and the emotional nd mental abuse that I have had to endure throughout my life.

Does it make me angry that my family has caused it? Yes, very much so.

Has it changed how my family are with me? HAHAHAHA NO! It has only gotten worse.

Does my family take responsibility for what they have done to me? Not even in the slightest.

I’m being transferred to a mental health doctor who also specialises in physical health, so he will also look up FND and study it in order to know each health issue I have. It worries me to find out what is actually going on in my head and to hear how much my past has hurt me. I try to not dwell on the bad things and just let it go because I can’t change them. It’s already happened but apparently my brain didn’t quite get the full message and let everything bad that happened destroy it.

What makes it worse is this is literally my biggest fear. My life and my father's life, if I were to write everything down, they would be exactly the same apart from my brother and sisters who died since I don’t have children nor have I ever been pregnant, but the neglect, is similar, the abuse is similar, falling ill after we lost our dad’s and then 8 years later finding out we have a mental health problem. Although the actual details are different, the situation is the same. It terrifies me to think that I am following in the same footsteps as my father because his ending wasn’t a happy one and I’ve been trying for years to change the cycle, do things differently and be different from everyone in my family. But life is cruel.

Will I give up? Will I see my added health issues as an obstacle? Will I get over the anger and betrayal I feel?

The answer is NO!

I won’t give up, I won’t let anything stop me in my tracks, I will push forward with all of the weight on my back if I have to. I know what I want to do, I know what kind of person I want to be and I’m not going to let anyone who isn’t myself get in the way of that. My head might be messed up but my heart and my determination and motivation still remains the same. I’ve never hurt anyone and I don’t intend to hurt anyone. Even when I get to the point where I know I’m struggling to keep calm, it is myself who I end up hurting. Which to be fair is part of the mental health issue I have according to my doctor.

I don’t think I can get over the hurt and betrayal I feel towards my family. I wish I could, I actually really want to but when I look at my life and see how much I am struggling now and having to go through it on my own, it hurts. It hurts a lot. I wonder what I did wrong, why it was only me who had to go through it and why didn’t anyone help me. Although not all of my family abused and neglected me, the ones who kept quiet and didn’t intervene are also just as bad. But I still love my family, I still want the best for them but as soon as I get on that plane to South Korea. I don’t think I will contact my family. I don’t want to keep getting hurt when I have done nothing wrong.

But I will keep going, I will graduate university, I will get on that plane to South Korea and I will live the life I want. I have 2 years to learn about and understand my mental health issue and hopefully recover from it and hopefully that process with help my FND and my stomach problems.

So apart from this post being me rant on and on, it's also to show and say that no matter what life throws at you, no matter who tries to get in your way either intentionally or unintentionally, don’t let it change who you are and what you want. Don’t let it take the life that you dream about away from you. Keep fighting and keep moving forward. The goods one have to stay strong in order to win after all.

It’s now nearly winter (In Scotland it feels like winter already) so wrap up warm, enjoy hot chocolates, tea or coffee’s whatever hot drink you love, on bad days, lift your feet up and put on a Christmas film (or Halloween film since there is still a few days left for Halloween season) and relax. Maybe enjoy a bubble bath too and read a book with candles on (remember to blow them out!)

Happy Autumn although it’s nearly over and enjoy that extra hour in bed starting from tomorrow!