2 years in the making

Hi everyone, sorry that it's been a while since my last post...the reality of FND is that I obviously can't stick to a schedule for these blog posts, so please bare with me :-)

Anyway...2 years in the making:

Yesterday, 20th January 2018 was the 2 year anniversary of when I first started having FND symptoms. Yep, that's right, on 20th January 2016, I started noticing the weakness in my hands. In my first blog post, I explained a bit about my journey through FND, but didn't really explain much about the diagnosis process, so. after 2 years, I'm going to give a bit of information into the first few weeks in January 2016, talk about my feelings then and how they've changed now.

On 20th January 2016 (it was a Wednesday), I first started noticing weakness in my hands, but decided not to worry about it too much, as I had a doctors appointment the following week anyway. I went to the doctors appointment the following Thursday and explained what I had been experiencing over the last week, the doctor asked me to write my name which, I wasn't able to do very well due to the weakness. At this point, the doctor got quite concerned, so sent me (and my mum who was with me) to A&E to get checked over. I was discharged to following day and the tests continued in the following weeks. I was very anxious when the weakness first started, because it was something that I had never experienced before and I suddenly couldn't hold my phone or a pen properly. My inability to write properly was very frustrating and I also became very self conscious about what others might say about my writing. Now, 2 years on, I feel a bit more confident when it comes to talking about my FND and sharing what things looked like then. On that note, here's a picture from that first week of weakness:

One of my biggest fears through the weakness in my hands was that the weakness was going to persist and move to my legs and sure enough it did. I'm not going to say much more about how my symptoms developed, because I really already did that in my 'introduction to me' post (check that out if you're interested in knowing more).

Anyway, after I got the original diagnosis of Functional Limb Weakness, my consultant told me that it would probably last around 6 months. At that point the thought of living with the weakness for another 6 months felt impossible...I was in year 10 at the time, so GCSEs were becoming a big concern and I had no idea how I would be able to manage being ill and do school work. To cut a long story short, I basically didn't believe in myself and thought there was no way I could handle this! For me now, 6 months feels like it would have been a walk in the park haha. But, 6 months came and went, then a year, 18 months and now, here we are at 2 years. Throughout the 2 years, I have developed new symptoms including, chronic pain, chronic fatigue and brain fog and I have slowly felt more and more out of control.

FND is such an unpredictable illness, so I wake up every morning having absolutely no idea what my body has in store for me...this is honestly such a terrifying feeling which is hard for others to understand. Much like I mentioned earlier, there have been times when I have felt like I can't cope with the illness anymore, times when I just want to sit under my duvet, cry and hide from the challenges of the outside world. But I do cope, I don't give up and I certainly don't just sit under my duvet all day. One of the hardest things I've found with dealing with FND is when other people don't understand or think they are experiencing the same things as me. Fatigue is not the same as tired, chronic pain is not the same as normal pain, brain fog is not the same as mind blank or 'a bit confused'. Although not all my symptoms are visible, it doesn't mean they are any less real or easy to deal with.

The past 2 years have been a massive roller-coaster ride, but I have learned so much about myself. I've gained so much confidence and self - belief, I've become a much stronger person. I passed 6 GCSEs, which was a lot better then I ever imagined I would do. Although I'm not getting better yet and I have a lot of bad days when I'm worse than 'normal', I'm still here, I still get up everyday and do what I can, everyday I'm learning more about FND and myself.

I want to thank everyone who has been a part of my FND journey up to this point and who continue to stick by me: my friends, both in and out of school, my family, my fellow FND fighters, my teachers and everyone who I'll meet in the future

The last 2 years have been tough, but I can't wait to see what the next 2 years hold for me. Maybe I'll get better or maybe I won't, but whatever happens, I'm still Becca and I know I can get through whatever FND has in store for me!